Burning in Ocean

" I'm in a deep ocean, there's all water over my body..I'm totally swamping in deepness .. It feels like there are only two conditions either I'm gonna survive or I would die... so firstly i am preferring to die. Because it's easy its easier to me. Because with these waves around me i can't survive. My mind doesn't accept this.. I have to die..yes.. it's good.. see I'm gonna lose my breath in no time I will close my eyes and it will be over.. and nothing will harm me. I won't feel anything. Wait a second why isn't this happening.. why couldn't I lose my breath.. why still I'm feeling this drowning.. now this later condition .. yes my heart has started pumping again.. it's saying to me.. come on ! if you ain't dying you must have to survive.. I am left with no choice and I also have started struggle for my survival.. you know its hard to survive then to die.. but still I can't help myself out of this.. I really can't..see where I'm standing this moment.. in between the two infinities here I am standing at zero.. I cant do anything.. what stage of life is this.. ? what we call this ? where to go .. what to do at this moment ? I feel my mind is frozen... BUT
I have already burnt myself in this ocean before...today, standing in here I know.. sometimes.. turmoils are sweeter .. they are more beautiful.. they are more congenial...I have become used to it.. and I don't want anyone to take me out of this.. because this inebriation takes me in a deme where I see no one  but that smiling face..."