boulevard of past and present

my past and my present
all of them are full of resents
The scoop of life was all damn curiosities

who made me grew up after such fallacies

I fell on my knees again and again

it edified how to lift yourself up after an intense pain

ranting minds never let me gasp the wind

but the One sitting in the clouds wanted me in

i feared and wanted to die when I sinned

but in a dream The voice stringed

you're a purpose and not a scum

start your trek again and don't feel numb

slept in the murkiness I woke up in dazzle

I vowed not to look dull and hassle

everyone has a tale nothing bizarre

accepting the actuality I've come so far

if you don't buy my truth you have a choice

 don't try to fix up and make me revise

because you choose what you want to

you can't judge me...

not being in my shoe....!

Words

"Words"..."words" matter, matter a lot ..they hurt the most... and these are the "words" which give you a hand when you are fallen apart. Then there are some "words" you want to save forever. Sometimes its like you need to have those "words" because the moment they are said you spontaneously know the worth of those "words". Moments pass and you want to install those "words" in your mind until your mind dies out completely. "Words" have their own manner to show you how they sway you actually. My dad used to say to me " betaa log hansty huy chehru ko duaa dete hain .. roty huwun ko to koi bhi nai pochta"(people only praise smiling faces. no one cares about the whimpering ones). Whenever he used to say that half verse , i just nodded my head always as i didn't know the prominence of those words. Today when i came back from my driving class and he was trying to teach me something and then from nowhere his voice echoed in my ears saying the same words .I listened to him usually but today i HEARD those "words". What was the spell-work of those moments which kept me gazing at him for five minutes and it infatuated as a caste rewound my eyes instantly and my past was there saying me Hi ! and all those ticks where this World and its creatures had proved this hemistich, pinched in my head. Yes, past four years revolved in my head. Why did that happen to me ? The very next moment i had my answer. That time I realized that I lost my precious tears in these four years for no reason and all in vain because there was no fault of anyone I had understood that it's the regime of this sphere. No one cares when you cry and really believe me they certainly will not care and if someone is showing you off that they actually care. That concern will also be over after when you become habitual to that sobbing! and you know what, you will become tired of yourself crying all the time. Lets be very clear, crying over things, crying over people you lose, crying over failures of life, being a weeping baby every time won't benefit you in any way ! People come in your life, spend time with you and they leave or some of them stay. This is regulation of this era and being selfish is a human's nature. And being a human being you can't change the whole world's perspective. To be alive is really hard and tough. Yes it is and it is for everyone. Everyone is fighting his or her own battle within him or herself. To win yours you have to smile.. because sometimes you have to forget some "words" in order to keep the prestige of some other "words".

lost battle

standing in crowd who was shrieking my name, i missed that numb voice
and in middle of that eternity i felt as i lost a battle of love

another hypothesis

I live in this hypothesis that people should be known to sadness and loneliness as per its so monotonous being optimistic every time... so that when they come as unwanted guests people don't feel strange at all having them at their doorsteps.. you know people should stay awake for weeks.. should walk silently for hours in heavy rains with bare feet.. should see the empty wall of their rooms having the clock that's ticking seconds,,minutes and then hours the whole night... should see themselves in mirrors and cry like infants.. *sometimes... only sometimes* to become used to these phases of being pessimistic so that when happenings..surroundings.. people who they love.. anything that is around them would  hurt and tear their souls .. they don't feel the bitterness but only sweetness of those moments of affliction...Just like that.. to be optimistic again...!

Question mark

in dreams..
we see things we want to see in our grooves but we don't have them... those unasked wishes...we see our passions as like they are confronting us only at some miles...
it looks like if we'll unroll our arms a little wider we'll get them all ..with a little gesture of a single part of body we can get everything of World we want to, all the fantasies are like coming true but what ?
what happens when we do open our arms wider to get them.. those passions those aims those wishes those devotions start getting away from us.. as we chase them they start getting farther.. we never get any of them in our hands... in our grip in dreams that's strange about dreams.. dreams only let us "see" but don't let us "clutch" them ..
in realities
we forget them .. those desires those longings in our realities just become our "dreams" and stay there for a long. that's a difference between dreams and reality.. we don't try to make those passions of our dreams at a little distance from us. We continue our routines as we were doing yesterday and the day before yesterday.. we make no connection of those glittering eyes we dreamed about last night to this bare handed reality...
Actually the problem is we are too lazy.. too much lazy to climb the mountains of our lives from the hardest paths it shows us.. we are a age who finds ease everywhere in everything.. as all say "Easy come easy go".. and many other maxims.. Alas ! these dreams are flying away and we ain't bothering about them... isn't it so bad being grasped in expectations( some of our own to us and some of others to us)...I always think this World that was created for us and then we made certain rules and regulations to live in it .. these by-laws should be a little different .. they should had allowed us to live our dreams as we are taught by nature we had been also taught this by our society.. you know sometimes when we are descending deep in the ocean of thoughts it feels bad that we are so stuck in our life's circle that we ain't feeling like to cross these circles to go beyond the boundaries to live what we want to..is it what we were created for? .. question marks !!

hum khaakzady !

Gumaan ki had se bhi aagy nikaly
ponchy ik khamosh nagri main
sanata ta, shamen roshan na huie to jaana
wo kisi orh rukh py chal diye
jin k liy aye thy hum haden torh kar
ruk gy mere kadam bhi
na murh saky na bhar saky
jami rahien nazren bhi
ansu bhahy ankhen khak huien
wo aye bhi to kaafan hath mai liy
dafan karny ki garaz thi
hum laho b bhahaty larty bhi sahi
par wo ik muskan un k chehre ki
jaan leti ti zakham deti ti
hum ny zakham bhi khaya
jaan bhi di kafan b phena
sou bhi gaye us andheer nagri mai
par aj b ye toota dil liy
apny hi mizaar m ..
ye looh lagay bethy hain
ky ik din woh loat k ayen gy
suna ta..
zameen waly khaak zadon ko
phool charahny aaty hain...

-Qaynat shah

udas sham (16/12)

mere sheher ky basi udaas hain 
yeh kia majra hua abhi..

main unwaan bhi na de saka
kaisa mazmoon tum ne parha dia..

ik chaman tha khilty khuwaboon ka
kis aag main tum ne jhonk_ka dia

ye kalejaa jo tum ne jala dia..
janty ho ky ik maan ka tha...

soraaj bhi mun chupaaty dhal gya...
aisa kia zulam kia mere sher_dilon k sheher main...

-QaynatShah

Burning in Ocean

" I'm in a deep ocean, there's all water over my body..I'm totally swamping in deepness .. It feels like there are only two conditions either I'm gonna survive or I would die... so firstly i am preferring to die. Because it's easy its easier to me. Because with these waves around me i can't survive. My mind doesn't accept this.. I have to die..yes.. it's good.. see I'm gonna lose my breath in no time I will close my eyes and it will be over.. and nothing will harm me. I won't feel anything. Wait a second why isn't this happening.. why couldn't I lose my breath.. why still I'm feeling this drowning.. now this later condition .. yes my heart has started pumping again.. it's saying to me.. come on ! if you ain't dying you must have to survive.. I am left with no choice and I also have started struggle for my survival.. you know its hard to survive then to die.. but still I can't help myself out of this.. I really can't..see where I'm standing this moment.. in between the two infinities here I am standing at zero.. I cant do anything.. what stage of life is this.. ? what we call this ? where to go .. what to do at this moment ? I feel my mind is frozen... BUT
I have already burnt myself in this ocean before...today, standing in here I know.. sometimes.. turmoils are sweeter .. they are more beautiful.. they are more congenial...I have become used to it.. and I don't want anyone to take me out of this.. because this inebriation takes me in a deme where I see no one  but that smiling face..."

God's there.. !

... then a day came when he left her ...in the mid of darkness and she was asking him with bare eyes : " why are you leaving?.. tell me Daniel? " and but that day he didn't say a word and left silently..left her without reasons, and with so many questions... left her between right and wrong..he left because he had to.. Her face was looking so wretched..she was crying helplessly she couldn't have stop him.. she sat there in that darkness for hours.. suddenly she felt her shriveled eyes  .. she shook her head and noticed the gyration was again started what was stopped some moments before ..what was that feeling ? pain of love ? "pain of love would be the most hurting one" those words from that tattered book were roaming in her head, the very moment she decided , that was the pain of love she felt right there, that day alone in that darkness under the empty sky ..she started shooting " Oh God! why have this all happened? why this has happened to me? why have you selected me to suffer this pain? Why me? Why have he left me? You know he had no right to do that to me..Sarah's eyes were again wet .. she cried her heart out and then... Then? Then What? Ah,,! She got up  without anyone's help she picked herself up again, wept her tears and started walking alone..All the way thinking to herself she seek .."What was that? who helped me to stand up again? I wasn't so strong I was so helpless..my agony,, that was so colossal.. no one was there.. aimlessly her eyes saw the sky...".. and then..
Sarah and I, both of us got the answer.. God is there.. Always..! You know.. he have already chosen those ones, who He loves.. He want them to be on His path.. He makes them see the Truth of life.. and makes them realize that there is no one except Him who loves them as truly as He do.. He pore their lives with miseries and let them SEE.. SEE HIM without being exposed..he let them see Him, feel Him..around them.. in everywhere...

Moonlit street

...and all of sudden
 those devotions
were coming true
What she had longed for
was now coming to her
like a moon blue
He was walking
 into her life
more potently.
She was just dragged
into those feelings,
those moments
unknowingly
She couldn't get
her own emotions.
She was dazzled
with his beautiful voice
sounding her name,
with no commotion
She like a star was wandering
in that whispering dome
mesmerizingly
she saw
a doorstep,
blinking with word "home"...
Before she came to her senses again,
He held her hand
and looked deep
into her eyes with no shame
more desperately,
he was digging down
deep in her heart
she had allowed him
to walk freely
in her life
was making with him
a new start
She was just helpless
like some offender
infront of that dazzling voice those breath-taking gestures
she was no more defender
She had always wondered
how people could moan in
such happy nights
one day, answering herself
she had tears
walking with him
hand in hand on beachside
It was all happening so fast!
Making her shrink
As if it would all disappear
just in a single wink
she stayed awake the whole night
making him realise
that he was the only one
she longed for
in her silent prayers
the only reason
she had felt pride !
-Qaynat

Depth

A greatman once said "We are actors on this stage of World". Yes we are in actual actors(every adjective that describes a aspirant)..we are selfish..we are careless..we are heedless.. we in that "deep down" heart are feelingless aspirants for past,present and future. Lets start from "past" for what I say we dont have any concern with!!..when we see there is something being said about past or the nostalgia, we start pretending that.. yes! our past do effect us in our lives ..or may be in somedays. We start saying that we care about those small bad or good incidents of past those deeds we have done on those ordinary days, those little words we said on that family event or whatever maybe..and to contribute to those meaningless parleys we start opening those written locked pages of our life's book and start finding that what we had done there in yesterdays and then after a long walk in those jumbled stories of past we find some visible words and open our taps to let flow those unwanted words to let people know that we also exist and we also are playing our role too ..what we do is we dont see the "deep down"of our hearts, as going deep in a sea we find a precious pearl, similarly in "depth" of our heart we find "ourselves". we find who we actually are. We get that"truth".. oh heck ! then in that depth we find ourselves which is totally different to our scums ! there, in that depth, when we skim that scum off, we see... we just pretend see, we dont care what we have done in our past, we dont even think a moment for what we did at 7:40pm of yesterday..what we said to oyr grandmaa about her old denture..! Then we see ourselves probably nude in that worn out cloth of selfishness and we seek ..oh my ! it wasnt anything of the past i remembered, i ponder upon and then i found those words what if i had not been able to do so ..to think for that chandraat two years back...then that "depth" makes us realise that we dont care about our past, we dont have any concern, we are just heedless about it..till our present is effected by that moment..man is selfish he just cares about a thing in his life when he is being effected by it in his personals..then comes "present" (laughter) what can we say about our present when we don't know if we will be able to take our next breath or not?? Will we be able to survive or not if we get stuck in a problem the very next moment?? oh my ! still we are so calm.. heedless creatures we all are..we don't pay attention... We keep flowing like the flow of water.. Don't care... what if some loveone dies the next moment ..what if we die this evening?? we know we should seek these things, we should care about them but still we give a damn for what would happen the next moment..(giggle) we are actors who don't know what their character basically is. What the role is he playing...then in present we go in the "depth" we see there's nothing we are known to ! and being illerate about whats happening and for what the reason is all it is hsppening is a mark that show we are puppets...breathing puppets!! and puppets have nothing but only what his Master allows him..!we are so "helpless" ain't we??? the "depth" teaches us to be in our limits of what our Master has defined for us ..!"future" defines us in a very beautifully said word ..nothing else but "foolish" who thinks he would survive for years when he isnt sure about the next moment! he plans ...he wishes ..he dreams for better ..he dreams for tomorrow.. how foolish a man is? a man ?? o sorry a breath taking puppet ! who has no concerns about his past.. about his past deeds.. not worried about yesterday ..a puppet who is heedless for what if he dies the next moment what would he do?? lets again dive through "depth" see ...how meaningless,useless,worthless,doubtfull,are we??..what is our existence but only a "clot of a blood"..and we say ourselves to be "master"(of nothingness)

-Qaynat

Loudest cry

Loudest cry

You can do it !

You can do it !

A better thought !

A better thought !

Those gone moments

those gone moments

Rain brings me memories!

Rain brings me memories!

Its all about STYLE..!

Its all about STYLE..!

And I turn to Him..!

And I turn to HIM..!

I Miss my bestie !

i miss my bestie !

Weekends !

Weekends !